Relationship goals

A COMPASSIONATE LOVE BETWEEN COUPLES

UNDERSTANDING THE IMPACT OF COMPASSION

COMPASSIONATE LOVE HAVE RECEIVED research attention over the last decades, but it is as yet under how it is experienced over a lifetime. Believers experienced greater compassionate love than non-believers, and individuals in love presented greater compassionate love than those who were not in love. Love styles and subjective well-being were found to be related to compassionate love. Findings has corroborated studies that indicates that individuals who experience higher compassionate love for a romantic partner are more likely to report EROS, AGAPE and subjective well-being.

INTEREST IN UNDERSTANDING LOVE had been growing since the mid-20th century, but much remains to be understood. Considerable research has been directed at understanding compassionate love, companionate love, and attachment love, however, compassionate love is still poorly understood. Compassionate love is the kind of love that ultimately centers on the good of the other and it is important to understand the course of compassionate love across the life span of the subjective couples.

ON VARIOUS THOUGHTS ABOUT COMPASSIONATE LOVE

MOST DEFINITION OF COMPASSIONATE LOVE contain the theme of giving oneself for the goal of another. In short, attitudes and actions related to giving of self for the good of the other. Along the same lines, compassionate love is also defined as an attitude towards others, either close others or strangers or all of humanity, containing feelings or conditions and behaviors that are focused on caring, concerns, tenderness and an orientation towards supporting, helping, and understanding the others, particularly when the others are perceived be suffering or in needs. Compassionate love can be experienced for a romantic partners, family, friends, peripheral ties, and humanity.

FALLING IN LOVE IS DIFFICULT to define. It is a selective orientation towards a particular individual that can mirror hormonal changes and physical attractions, and can actually lead to giving of self for the good of the other. Given that someone in love is dominated by feelings of caring for one specific person, compassionate love may increase with being in love. Thus, it was expected that individuals in love would experience higher compassionate love for romantic partner than those not in love.

OBJECTIVITY AND COMPASSION

SUBJECTIVE WELL-BEING FOCUSES on personal evaluation of one’s life experience and has 2 major components: Satisfaction with life, positive effects and negative effects. Satisfaction with life is a cognitive evaluation of one’s life satisfaction, either globally or with respect to specific life domains based on criteria chosen by each person. Positive effects- concerns occurrences of positive connections such as joy, contentment and happiness. Negative Effects – concerns the experience of negative emotions such as shame, sadness and anxiety.

ALTHOUGH COGNITIVE AND AFFECTIVE components of subjective well-being are correlated, they form distinct factors, and thus, a comprehensive evaluation of subjective well-being requires measuring both components. Past research reveals that individuals who experience compassionate love for other partners are happier in their relationships.

HENCE, IT WAS EXPECTED THAT SATISFACTION WITH LIFE, LOVE, LOVE LIFE, SEX LIFE, AND POLITICAL AFFECTS WOULD BE POSITIVELY CORRELATED WITH COMPASSIONAT LOVE AND NEGATIVE AFFECTS WILL BE NEGATIVELY—- CORRELATED WITH COMPASSIONATE LOVE ACROSS THE ADULT LIFE SPAN.

KNOWING OUR TWIN FLAME

WHEN WE MEET OUR TWIN FLAMES

HAVE YOU EVER MEET SOMEBODY who completely changed the course of your life ? It might have been your twin flame. And perhaps most importantly, how do you know when you’ve found yours ? This high level spiritual love connections do exists, but pretty serious misunderstanding of what that means. Many people assume that a twin flame is the same thing as a romantic soul mate and use the term interchangeably, but these are different things. While they can be romantic relationships, they can also be platonic in nature. Still, twin flame are intense and life-changing relationships that can forever changed who you are.

UNDERSTANDING A TWIN FLAME

CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF, a twin flame is not your soul mate. A twin flame doesn’t even have to be someone you fall in love with(although it often is). This kind of high level soul-based connection isn’t about romance. It is about spiritual growth. You meet them, and your life just completely changed. You start seeing the world differently. It pushes you to want to engage with the divine, shift consciousness, and become a better, soulful well being in this experience. A twin flame can be a romantic partner, a friend, a mentor or even a student.

THE RELATIONS GOES BOTH WAYS. It’s not a one-way spiritual street. When you meet your twin flame, they will forever change your life, and you will do the same thing for them. A twin flame relationships helps us unite the divine masculine and feminine energies regardless of our gender. While such relationship are with another person, they are also meant to help us evolve our relationship with ourselves. When these energies comes into union with another, you become a higher version of yourself and realize a version of love different from other types of relationships.

AND COMES YOUR TWIN FLAME

HAVE YOU EVER MEET SOMEONE and it just felt……. meant to be ? There’s a sense of merging energy where you can’t really tell where you start and they end. Additionally, he or she says that often your twin flame will have similar childhood trauma. While a twin flame isn’t a soul split in 2, as we are whole on our own, twin flames do act as a reflection. It’s like looking in a mirror, and not only is your unprocessed trauma reflected back at you, but so is past life or ancestral work. It can be really intense. That’s what being in a twin flame relationship is like, staring into a mirror all day.

UNLIKE LIFE PARTNERS, or what we consider soul mates, twin flames are intense and life-changing relationships that force us to deal with our unresolved issues and become a bigger person. Because of this intensity, it’s uncommon for a twin flame to be a lifelong partnership. Rather, they are people who enters your life for a period of time to help you grow and steer you on course. It is common for those relationships to separate because they are very difficult to maintain.

THINKING ABOUT YOUR TWIN FLAME

THINK OF YOUR TWIN FLAME as a catalyst. It’s okay if the relationship ends, even if it’s quite painful due to the level of intensity. Your twin flame is not someone you should wait around for, as not everyone meets one in this lifetime. Should you find them, don’t expect them to be your life partner. That’s another type of relationship. It might feel like a cosmic spark when you meet your twin flame. THEY MAY BRING UP SOME OF THE MOST CHALLENGING LESSONS YOU’LL LEARN AND WILL FOREVER CHANGE THE COURSE OF YOUR LIFE—- AND YOU’LL DO THE SAME TO THEM. THE RELATIONSHIP WILL SET YOU ON THE RIGHT PATH AND WILL HELP YOU CONFRONT AND HEAL UNRESOLVED WOUNDS. THINK OF YOUR TWIN FLAME AS A SPARK, A CRUCIAL ONE, AND SOMEONE YOU WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER. HOWEVER, IT’S NOT ONLY OKAY, BUT TOTALLY NORMAL IF THE RELATIONSHIP DOESN’T LAST FOREVER. 

OUR UNDERSTANDING OF LOVE

THE IMPORTANCE OF LOVE TO OUR LIVES

FROM SONGS AND POEMS, to novels and movies, romantic love is one of the most enduring subjects for artworks through the ages. But how about the science ? Historical, cultural and even evolutionary evidence suggests that love existed during ancient times and across many parts of the world. The complexity of love has much to do with how people experienced it differently and how it can change over time. Psychological researches had investigated the differences between liking someone, loving someone and being ” IN LOVE.” Liking is described as having positive thoughts and feelings towards someone and finding that person’s company rewarding. We often also experience warmth and closeness towards the people we like. In some instances, we choose to be emotionally intimate with these people.

WHEN WE LOVE SOMEONE, we experience the same positive thoughts and experiences as when we like a person. But we also experience a experience a sense of deep care and commitments towards that person. Being “IN LOVE” includes all but also involves feelings of sexual arousal and attractions. However, people’s own views of love suggests that not all love are the same.

CHANGES OVER TIME IN LOVE

PASSIONATE LOVE IS WHAT PEOPLE typically considers being “IN LOVE.” It includes feelings of passion and an intense longing for someone, to the point they might obsessively think about wanting to be in their arms. Companionate love is not felt as intensely, but it’s complex and connects feelings of emotional intimacy and commitment with a deep attachment towards the romantic partner. Looking at changes in romantic love overtime, typically finds that although passionate love starts high, it declines over the course of a relationship. As partners learn more about each other and becomes more confident in the long-term future of the relationship, routines develop. The opportunities to experience novelty and excitement can also decline, as can the frequency of sexual activity. This can cause passionate love to subside.

LIFE EVENTS AND TRANSITIONS can also makes it challenging to experience passion. People have competing responsibility that affects their energy and limits the opportunities to foster passion. Parenthood is an example of this. In contrast, companionate love is typically found to increase over time.

PONDERING POINTS IN LOVE

ALTHOUGH RESEARCH FINDS most romantic relationships consists of both passionate and companionate love, it’s the absence of reduction in companionate love, more so than passionate love, that can negatively affect the longevity of a romantic relationship. Love is an emotion that keeps people bonded and committed to one another. From an evolutionary psychology perspective, love evolves to keep the parents of children together long enough for them to survive and reach sexual maturity. The period of childhood is much longer for humans than other species. As offsprings rely on adults for many years to survive and develop the skills and abilities needed for successful living, love is especially important for humans.

WITHOUT LOVE, IT’S DIFFICULT TO SEE HOW THE HUMAN SPECIES COULD HAVE EVOLVED. NOT ONLY IS THERE AN EVOLUTIONARY FOUNDATION TO LOVE, LOVE IS ROOTED BIOLOGY. FINDINGS ALSO TELLS US THAT LIKING SOMEONE IS NOT THE SAME AS BEING IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE. PEOPLE WHO HAVE AN INSECURE ATTACHMENT, INVOLVING A HIGH NEED FOR VALIDATION AND PREOCCUPATION WITH RELATIONSHIP PARTNERS, ENDORSE MORE MANIA LOVE, WHILE THOSE WHO ARE COMFORTABLE WITH INTIMACY AND CLOSENESS DO NOT ENDORSE LOVE. NO MATTER WHAT THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WAY LOVE IS EXPERIENCED, ONE THING REMAINS COMMON FOR ALL: WE AS HUMANS ARE SOCIAL ANIMALS WHO HAVE A DEEP FASCINATION FOR IT. 

AS FRIENDSHIP AND LOVE MEETS

ATTRACTION AS THE START OF LOVE

GIVEN THAT CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS are so vital to well-being, it is important to ask how interpersonal relationships begin. What makes us like or love one person but not another ? Why is it, that when bad things happen, we frequently want to talk to our friends or family about the situation ? Though these are difficult questions to answer because relationship are complicated and unique, we can examine how relationships begin; the impact of technology on relationships; and why co-workers, acquaintances, friends, families, and intimate partners are so important in our lives.

WHY DO SOME PEOPLE hit it off immediately ? Or decide that a friend of a friend was not likable ? Using scientific methods, psychologists have investigated factors influencing attraction and have identified a number of variables such as similarity, proximity, familiarity, and reciprocity, that influence with whom we develop relationships. Great and important relationships can develop by chance and physical proximity helps.

OUR NEARNESS TO LOVE

OFTEN WE STUMBLE upon friends or romantic partners; this happens partly due to how close in proximity we are to those people. Specifically, proximity or physical nearness has been found to be a significant factor in the development of relationships. Proximity is not just about geographic distance, but rather functional distance, or the frequency with which we crossed path with others. In terms of developing online relationships and attractions, functional distance refers to being at the same place at the same time in a virtual world– crossing virtual paths. One of the reasons why proximity matters to attraction is that it breeds familiarities: People are more attracted to that which is familiar. Just being around someone or being repeatedly exposed to them increases the likelihood that we will be attracted to them. We also tend to feel safe with familiar people, as it is likely we know what to expect from them.

THERE IS A CERTAIN COMFORT in knowing what to expect from others; consequently, research suggests that we like what is familiar. While this is often on a subconscious level, research has found this to one of the most basic principles of attractions.

AND THERE IS LOVE

ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP are so central to psychological health that most people in the world are o PHYSICAL ATTRACTION, r will be in a romantic relationship in their lifetime. ALL TYPES OF LOVE ARE COMPRISEDOF 3 DISTINCT AREAS: INTIMACY, PASSION AND COMMITMENT. INTIMACY– INCLUDES CARING, CLOSENESS, AND EMOTIONAL SUPPORT. PASSION– IS COMPRISED OF PHYSIOLOGICAL AND EMOTIONAL AROUSAL, THIS CAN INCLUDE PHYSICAL ATRACTION, EMOTIONAL RESPONSES THAT PROMOTES PHYSIOLOGICAL CHANGES AND SEXUAL AROUSAL. LASTLY, COMMITMENT– REFERS TO THE COGNITIVE PROCESS AND DECISIONS TO COMMIT TO LOVE ANOTHER PERSON AND THE WILLINGNESS TO WORK TO KEEP THAT LOVE OVER THE COURSE OF YOUR LIFE.

A TOUCH OF LOVE BETWEEN FRIENDS

A LOVE BECOMING PERSONAL IN LIFE

” BEST FRIEND ” is a term that seems to have been invented in the 20th century, perhaps in the 2nd half of that century. True love with a best friend usually means that you feel at ease in witnessing each other. In most cases, that ease seems to come from a sense of deep similarity. Most people tremendously enjoy finding another person who says “OH, ME TOO” ! in relation to beliefs, tastes, styles and opinion. The same feeling is one of naturally being mirrored and is one of the strongest motivators for falling in love and finding yourself in someone else’s eyes. This happens in on-romantic situation as much or more than it does in romantic connections. Often with friendship, the original ease comes from idealizing each other and feeling so completely seen and held and understand that it seems almost impossible that the other person even exist. How can this be ? There is a catch, however. In a non-romantic friendship, the complexity of developing from the early witnessing experience into a commitment to go on friends overtime, often involves working through and accepting feelings of competition. When we meet a friend, someone who feels like an equal and reciprocal other, someone who is also a mirror, we naturally will feel competitive in some ways. Adults often feel confused, ashamed or sheepish about these competitive feelings , especially since they can be experience as envy, jealousy or conflict. If you feel suddenly put down or contemptuous of your friend over something that may even be trivial, you maybe experiencing this sense of rivalry or competition.

WHEN ENVY COMES IN

ENVY IS A SPECIAL KIND of resentful longing for some resource that another person has but you seems deprived of. Many put downs are motivated by envy. Between friends who are both parents, envy is often expressed or implied in relation to their children’s achievements, attractiveness, good health and so on. Sometimes we envy the career or family assets of our best friends. But while envy, when it is expressed, does have some powerful put-downs effect, it’s also par for the course, part of friendship. When envy poke its nose into a close friendship, friends may need to use the skills they use in their partner relationship. To practice the 3 Cs : commitment, containment, and constraint, best friends will need to use dialogue to understand and accept each other’s experience in regard to painful and prickly feelings.

IF YOU DON’T USE THE SKILLS of dialogue and mindfulness, and learn to speak for yourself and paraphrase, you will not be able to continue the closeness and pleasure of being witnesses. If one or the other of you has too many painful or hateful feelings, the feelings and potentially projections, and projective identification, will undermine your trust.

ELEMENTS OF LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP

LOYALTY, SUPPORT AND CARE are important components of friendship, as they are in all forms of true love, but they will takes on resentful or obligatory tones if the competitive themes of friendship are not sorted out, allowing each person to feel tolerated, accepted, and witnessed, even in the midst of competition. When it comes to tolerating the various reactivity and impulses of your friend, it’s a matter of seeing that person in a bigger picture—- in term of the other’s vulnerabilities and strength—- as well as understanding that competition and rivalry are expected aspects of good friendship, even in those cases that have begun with the most extraordinary witnessing.

THE MAJOR DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE WITH A DEAR FRIEND AND LOVE WITH AN INTIMATE PARTNER WHO IS A BEST FRIEND, IS THAT THE INTIMATE LOVE IS MORE INTENSE, MORE CHALLENGED BY POWER AND DESIRE, AND IT CAN CONSEQUENTLY BECOME A KIND OF SPRITUAL FIRE OF PURIFICATION. WITH OUR CLOSEST NON-INTIMATE LIFETIME FRIENDS, WE MAY ENCOUNTER SOME OF THE FIRE OF PURIFICATION, ESPECIALLY IN REGARDS TO OUR COMPETITIONS, BUT SINCE SEXUAL LOVE INCLUDES THE DEMANDS OF PAIR-BONDING AND SEXUAL DYNAMICS, AS A LIFETIME RELATIONSHIP WITH A NON-SEXUAL FRIENDS CAN BE BOTH MORE SPACIOUS AND LESS TRANSFORMATIVE THAN A LIFETIME OF TRUE LOVE WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND IN MARRIAGE

THE THRILL OF DESIRE

IMPACT AND INFLUENCE TO HUMANITY

IT’S ABOUT GETTING EVERY OUNCE of juice out of all experiences. And if you rush things, you can miss the best part. SEDUCTION is about savoring. It is interesting that we associate seduction with sex, when in fact, true seduction is the opposite of sex. SEX is when desire is met. Seduction is not about the culmination or gratification of desire, it is about the thrill of the desire itself. It is the game that is played as the desire comes closer and closer, and being able to maintain that tension of wanting for a long, long time. Selection is the first cousin of “anticipation,” and it’s something that we enjoy on many levels, even when it comes to planning our daily activities. For most of us the bigger the “sexy occasions” are in our lives—- the less frequently they occur. Living a happy, juicy life means extending the pleasure; and we can do that with learning how to enjoy and practice seduction and anticipation.

CONSCIOUSLY TAKING THINGS SLOWLY

THE KEY TO SEDUCTION IS to slow things down. If you slow things down, you will notice that are moving towards something that you thought had wanted in your life then perhaps, not truly seduced by it. Try looking at things through the lens of seduction. What is seducing you ? And how can you slow down every meal in your life so that you can anticipate every delicious encounter ? Whether it is a meal or giving your lover a pleasure. Can you make him or her whimper with desire ? Can you move that slowly ?

IN MEDITATION RETREATS—- IT IS CALLED “SEDUCTION OF SPIRITS.” THAT’S BECAUSE SEDUCTION CAN BE A SPIRITUAL PATH. SEDUCTION IS NOT JUST SOMETHING TO BE DONE WITH OTHER PEOPLE, BUT WITH EVERYTHING WE WANT IN LIFE. SAVOR EVERYTHING, AND USE THE JOY OF SEDUCTION AS A PATH OF PLEASURE. WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING THAT IS ABOUT TO GIVE YOU PLEASURE, SLOW IT DOWN, AND GIVE IT SHORT WAIT.

WHEN LOVE TURNS TOXIC

A RELATIONSHIP WITH TOXIC LOVE

WE OFTEN THINK THAT the worst thing that can happen to a couple is for things not work out, despite the presence of love. This is not true. It’s far worse when a relationship that already does not work takes one more step to the negative end and become toxic. By toxic we understand harmful. It is no longer a relationship that brings well being to each of its members but instead stand to take it from them. It start working like a sort of acid that hurts each members individually.

TOXIC LOVE IS AN EMOTIONAL pour that is been in the heart of the very union, the very compromise that becomes venomous. A toxic relationship is like a debilitated spirit that needs another person to be able to feel itself and survive. This type of “LOVE” creates emotional pain that can ends up destroying every healthy part of a person until there is nothing left but an empty hollow. Toxic love is hidden behind a curtain of smoke where the partners fool themselves by thinking that the other person ” is very bad “ and trying to see the positive sides. However, the fact of the matter is that the relationships is only based on uncertainty, anger, need, insecurity and even suspicion.

BEING ON A TOXIC LOVE

A PERSON WHO IS ON A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP for too long will lose sight of what a healthy relationship really is. They will forget it and think that what is happening is normal, but nothing is further than the truth. A loving relationship is based on respect and a blazing a path together, full of good times that will makes both people feel happy. Any relationship can turns toxic if the partners do not takes care of their emotional health. Being with a toxic person can leads to a harmful romantic relationships. There are things that you can never tolerate under any circumstances, in a romantic relationships. Love is not always unconditional. If your partner is not treating you well, you will have to seek help immediately.

HEALTH, CHILDREN AND WORK are priorities in our daily lives, but a relationship must not be in the last place. If your partner does not pay attention to or even ignores you, then there is a problem that is preventing you from moving forward. This is known as PARTNER NEGLIGENCE and it is something real. This lack of interest is an assassin that will slowly kills your relationship. 2 people who love one another must be sure that they are fulfilling their emotional needs, but also their partner’s.

EFFECTS OF TOXITY IN LOVE

UNFAITHFULNESS IS NOT SOMETHING that should be tolerated and less so when your relationship is on the edge everyday. A healthy couples needs a complete faithfulness and not to seek emotions and experiences in the arms of another person. Sometimes, being unfaithful is not necessarily having sex with another person. Being unfaithful is having no respect for your partner and the relationship that you are building with them.

INFEDILITY CAN ALSO OCCUR when you are flirting with other people, talking badly about your partner, or when you spend time alone with other people of the opposite sex with the intention of seducing them. IF AND WHEN YOUR PARTNER HITS YOU, HUMILIATES YOU, OR TREATS YOU BADLY, YOU HAVE TO SEEK HELP AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. BECAUSE FACED WITH MISTREATMENT OF ANY KIND, YOU MUST NOT HIDE OR REMAIN QUIET. YOU DESERVE TO FIND INNER HAPPINESS AND BREAKS THE CHAINS OF A CAGE THAT IS DOING YOU HARM. 

OUR CONCEPTS ABOUT LOVE

LOVE IS NOT ONLY ABOUT HAPPINESS

THE TRADITIONAL CONCEPTS OF LOVE and the pursuit of “happy ever after” may actually end up making us miserable. In our most popular and enduring romantic stories, the ultimate reward for the protagonist is that they fall in love and the “happily ever after.” But does being in love really mean being happy ever after ? Does it mean being happy at all ? Can’t love be sad ? The question matters, especially to those of us who live through times and situation when happiness are unattainable. If we can’t be happy, reach ?that does automatically mean love is also out of reach ?

TO ANSWER THIS WE NEED to establish how deep is the connection between love and happiness in our current culture. It’s not just their narrative role: their joint appearance at the end of every romantic story. There is a broader ideology at works behind the scenes that binds love and happiness together as twin ideals in a romantic world view. This ideology is exemplified by 2 romantic truisms. The first truism tells us that a “GOOD LIFE” is a life that is happy and full of love. Wealth, fame, power and so on are irrelevant: only the contentment that comes with love and happiness matters. The 2nd truism asserts that a GOOD PERSON is a person who values love and happiness above all else. A good person pursues only these joys, eschewing the pursuit of wealth, fame, power, ETC. As truism, these ideas cut to the core of our romantic world view and they determine what we aspire to.

THE VALUES OF HAPPINESS IN OUR LIVES

VALUING HAPPINESS WAS ASSOCIATED with lower hedonic balance, lower psychological well-being, less satisfaction with life, and higher levels of depressions. If we want to be happy, we might be better off not making happiness our target. And yet, so many of us are—- or are supposed to be—- engaged in the pursuit of happiness. But if love and happiness are intertwined in this way, and if the pursuit of happiness is self-defeating, then what becomes of the pursuit of love ? Is that too, doomed to failure ? We need to see love in a different way that distinguish it apart from happiness—- and especially from the romantic “ HAPPY EVER AFTER. “

THJINKING ABOUT LOVE AS EUDAIMONIC( good spirited ) in this original sense, enables us to ask what it could mean to love in a good-spirited way. Sadness and anger serves to keep us safe, and alert us when things are going wrong. On the romantic conception of love, you’re supposed to be happy ever after—- if you’re not, all is lost.

EUDAIMONIC LOVE AND HAPPINESS

CRUCIALLY, EUDAIMONIC LOVE also allows for growth and change, and change may include walking away when a relationship is no longer functioning in a good-spirited way. This is key, because the romantic conception of love does not allow for this. On the contrary, we are supposed to stay with our so-called “soulmate” forever—whatever they may do to us and whomever they may become.

FOR REASONS OF SAFETY AND WELL-BEING, the shift from romantic to eudaimonic conception of love is important at anytime. Yet, it is particularly necessary for living in the world as it is now. To be sad, and even heart broken, does not one “CANNOT” love—- one’s partner, one’s family, one’s country, even humanity. BUT TO APPRECIATE WHAT IS LOVE UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES, WE NEED TO BE ABLE TO LIVE WITHOUT ANY PROMISES OF A ” HAPPY EVER AFTER. ” INSTEAD, WE MUST LEARN HOW TO INSPIRE EACH OTHER AND SUPPORT EACH OTHER’S MEANINGFUL PROJECTS. WE MUST LEARN TO BE A GOOD DAIMONS TO ONE ANOTHER.

KEEPING DESIRE ALIVE IN LOVE

FOSTERING DESIRE IN A RELATIONSHIP

THERE MIGHT BE LOVE. There might be commitment. There might be a solid friendship at its core. But that doesn’t mean there will be desire in a long-term relationship. Now wonder, they’re such hard work ! Work it — but hard. DESIRE feeds intimacy, which in turns feeds connection, nurturance and the protective guard around relationships. Intimate relationships in which desire has faded, can take on the shape of housemate or colleagues. There can still be love and deep emotional bond in these relationships, there might even still be sex, but without desire, the way we feel and see ourselves changes, and will ultimately play out in the relationships. Understanding the nature of desire is key to getting it back.

THE INTENSITY OF DESIRE in a relationship will ebb and flow. Problems come about when it stays out for too long. Intimacy might fade, connection might loosen and sex just doesn’t happen any more.

UNDERSTANDING OUR LONGING OF DESIRE

SLOWLY, THE PROTECTIVE GUARD might start to chip away. The very thing that makes your relationship different to every other relationship in your life slowly stops. You can spend time with other people, laugh, cry, argue, share a meal and go on holidays with them—- but sex is only something that is only for the 2 of you, building and nurturing an intimacy and connection that is shared between the 2 of you and nobody else. This is why it deserve attention.

THE FADING OF DESIRE happens slowly. It comes with the vacuuming, cleaning, stress, works, familiarity, practicability and just trying to make it through the day. Above all else, it comes with the assumption of responsibility for the needs of our partners over our own. DESIRE fades when we disconnect from ourselves and become selfless, which is the enemy of DESIRE.

DESIRE THEN, ISN’T ABOUT what our partner does, but about what we do and the connection we have with ourselves. It’s about a psychological space we go to during intimacy, where we are with another person but able to let go of responsibility for that person and engage completely with ourselves—- our physical needs, our sexual needs, our fantasies. We become selfish —- in the very best sense of the word. We show up completely. We’re fully available for ourselves, and this is critical for DESIRE to flourish.

IN OUR QUEST OF DESIRE

WE NEED TO FEEL SAFE AND SECURE in a relationship—- we can’ build intimacy and closeness without DESIRE. We need to feel as though the relationship has staying power and that the person we love isn’t about to walk out the door. We need a sense of familiarity and practicability. We need to know what happens when we reach out and we need an idea of where the relationship is headed. But we also have a need for adventure and excitement. As much as we need practicability, we also need mystery and surprise. As much as we need security and safety, we need adventure and risk. It’s how we feel the edges of ourselves and and stop ourselves and our relationship from stagnating.

THE PROBLEM IS THAT WE ARE ASKING ALL OF THESE FROM ONE PERSON. IT’S A LOT. WE WANT A PREDICTABLE, SAFE PARTNER WE CAN TRUST AND WE WANT AN EXCITING PASSIONATE LOVER. WE WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WHERE WE FEEL A SENSE OF BELONGING, BUT WE WANT TO EXPAND OUR IDENTITY. WE WANT TO FEEL SAFE, BUT WE WANT THE EXCITEMENT AND GROWTH THAT COMES WITH TEETERING WITH ONE TOES ON THE EDGES OF UNPREDICTABILITY.