DESIRE

KEEPING DESIRE ALIVE IN LOVE

FOSTERING DESIRE IN A RELATIONSHIP

THERE MIGHT BE LOVE. There might be commitment. There might be a solid friendship at its core. But that doesn’t mean there will be desire in a long-term relationship. Now wonder, they’re such hard work ! Work it — but hard. DESIRE feeds intimacy, which in turns feeds connection, nurturance and the protective guard around relationships. Intimate relationships in which desire has faded, can take on the shape of housemate or colleagues. There can still be love and deep emotional bond in these relationships, there might even still be sex, but without desire, the way we feel and see ourselves changes, and will ultimately play out in the relationships. Understanding the nature of desire is key to getting it back.

THE INTENSITY OF DESIRE in a relationship will ebb and flow. Problems come about when it stays out for too long. Intimacy might fade, connection might loosen and sex just doesn’t happen any more.

UNDERSTANDING OUR LONGING OF DESIRE

SLOWLY, THE PROTECTIVE GUARD might start to chip away. The very thing that makes your relationship different to every other relationship in your life slowly stops. You can spend time with other people, laugh, cry, argue, share a meal and go on holidays with them—- but sex is only something that is only for the 2 of you, building and nurturing an intimacy and connection that is shared between the 2 of you and nobody else. This is why it deserve attention.

THE FADING OF DESIRE happens slowly. It comes with the vacuuming, cleaning, stress, works, familiarity, practicability and just trying to make it through the day. Above all else, it comes with the assumption of responsibility for the needs of our partners over our own. DESIRE fades when we disconnect from ourselves and become selfless, which is the enemy of DESIRE.

DESIRE THEN, ISN’T ABOUT what our partner does, but about what we do and the connection we have with ourselves. It’s about a psychological space we go to during intimacy, where we are with another person but able to let go of responsibility for that person and engage completely with ourselves—- our physical needs, our sexual needs, our fantasies. We become selfish —- in the very best sense of the word. We show up completely. We’re fully available for ourselves, and this is critical for DESIRE to flourish.

IN OUR QUEST OF DESIRE

WE NEED TO FEEL SAFE AND SECURE in a relationship—- we can’ build intimacy and closeness without DESIRE. We need to feel as though the relationship has staying power and that the person we love isn’t about to walk out the door. We need a sense of familiarity and practicability. We need to know what happens when we reach out and we need an idea of where the relationship is headed. But we also have a need for adventure and excitement. As much as we need practicability, we also need mystery and surprise. As much as we need security and safety, we need adventure and risk. It’s how we feel the edges of ourselves and and stop ourselves and our relationship from stagnating.

THE PROBLEM IS THAT WE ARE ASKING ALL OF THESE FROM ONE PERSON. IT’S A LOT. WE WANT A PREDICTABLE, SAFE PARTNER WE CAN TRUST AND WE WANT AN EXCITING PASSIONATE LOVER. WE WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WHERE WE FEEL A SENSE OF BELONGING, BUT WE WANT TO EXPAND OUR IDENTITY. WE WANT TO FEEL SAFE, BUT WE WANT THE EXCITEMENT AND GROWTH THAT COMES WITH TEETERING WITH ONE TOES ON THE EDGES OF UNPREDICTABILITY.