A TOUCH OF LOVE BETWEEN FRIENDS
A LOVE BECOMING PERSONAL IN LIFE
” BEST FRIEND ” is a term that seems to have been invented in the 20th century, perhaps in the 2nd half of that century. True love with a best friend usually means that you feel at ease in witnessing each other. In most cases, that ease seems to come from a sense of deep similarity. Most people tremendously enjoy finding another person who says “OH, ME TOO” ! in relation to beliefs, tastes, styles and opinion. The same feeling is one of naturally being mirrored and is one of the strongest motivators for falling in love and finding yourself in someone else’s eyes. This happens in on-romantic situation as much or more than it does in romantic connections. Often with friendship, the original ease comes from idealizing each other and feeling so completely seen and held and understand that it seems almost impossible that the other person even exist. How can this be ? There is a catch, however. In a non-romantic friendship, the complexity of developing from the early witnessing experience into a commitment to go on friends overtime, often involves working through and accepting feelings of competition. When we meet a friend, someone who feels like an equal and reciprocal other, someone who is also a mirror, we naturally will feel competitive in some ways. Adults often feel confused, ashamed or sheepish about these competitive feelings , especially since they can be experience as envy, jealousy or conflict. If you feel suddenly put down or contemptuous of your friend over something that may even be trivial, you maybe experiencing this sense of rivalry or competition.
WHEN ENVY COMES IN
ENVY IS A SPECIAL KIND of resentful longing for some resource that another person has but you seems deprived of. Many put downs are motivated by envy. Between friends who are both parents, envy is often expressed or implied in relation to their children’s achievements, attractiveness, good health and so on. Sometimes we envy the career or family assets of our best friends. But while envy, when it is expressed, does have some powerful put-downs effect, it’s also par for the course, part of friendship. When envy poke its nose into a close friendship, friends may need to use the skills they use in their partner relationship. To practice the 3 Cs : commitment, containment, and constraint, best friends will need to use dialogue to understand and accept each other’s experience in regard to painful and prickly feelings.
IF YOU DON’T USE THE SKILLS of dialogue and mindfulness, and learn to speak for yourself and paraphrase, you will not be able to continue the closeness and pleasure of being witnesses. If one or the other of you has too many painful or hateful feelings, the feelings and potentially projections, and projective identification, will undermine your trust.
ELEMENTS OF LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP
LOYALTY, SUPPORT AND CARE are important components of friendship, as they are in all forms of true love, but they will takes on resentful or obligatory tones if the competitive themes of friendship are not sorted out, allowing each person to feel tolerated, accepted, and witnessed, even in the midst of competition. When it comes to tolerating the various reactivity and impulses of your friend, it’s a matter of seeing that person in a bigger picture—- in term of the other’s vulnerabilities and strength—- as well as understanding that competition and rivalry are expected aspects of good friendship, even in those cases that have begun with the most extraordinary witnessing.
THE MAJOR DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE WITH A DEAR FRIEND AND LOVE WITH AN INTIMATE PARTNER WHO IS A BEST FRIEND, IS THAT THE INTIMATE LOVE IS MORE INTENSE, MORE CHALLENGED BY POWER AND DESIRE, AND IT CAN CONSEQUENTLY BECOME A KIND OF SPRITUAL FIRE OF PURIFICATION. WITH OUR CLOSEST NON-INTIMATE LIFETIME FRIENDS, WE MAY ENCOUNTER SOME OF THE FIRE OF PURIFICATION, ESPECIALLY IN REGARDS TO OUR COMPETITIONS, BUT SINCE SEXUAL LOVE INCLUDES THE DEMANDS OF PAIR-BONDING AND SEXUAL DYNAMICS, AS A LIFETIME RELATIONSHIP WITH A NON-SEXUAL FRIENDS CAN BE BOTH MORE SPACIOUS AND LESS TRANSFORMATIVE THAN A LIFETIME OF TRUE LOVE WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND IN MARRIAGE
Relationship goals 