SABOTAGE IN LOVE

FAILURE IN LOVE SACRIFICE

MOST RELATIONSHIPS FAILED. Why can’t we find love and why don’t relationships lasts ? Paradoxically, as much as we want love, we also fear it. Fear of not being loved is one of the reasons we don’t find love or sabotage it in our relationships. In other words, we can create our worst fear by trying to avoid it. This may sound ridiculous to people who pursue love but attract distances. We’d all like to blame our partner or bad luck. There are hidden reasons we thwart love. Our fears aren’t usually conscious. They include physical or emotional abandonment that includes fear of rejection and fear of being unloved and alone. Toxic shame is the main culprit that feeds this fear that sabotage love.


FACTORS THWARTING LOVE

S H A M E :
Shame foster the beliefs that we are unlovable and unworthy of connection. Our beliefs motivate our feelings and behavior. They’re like an operating system in our mind-ware. Unfortunately, many negative beliefs run in the background and like viruses, derail our conscious intentions. Shame-based ideas that are undeserving of good, happiness and love can sabotage our desires and blocked or pushed love away. We won’t believe we’re acceptable to others, if we don’ accept ourselves. However, we change our beliefs.
LOW SELF-ESTEEM AND JUDGMENT :
Shame creates an inner critic who judges us harshly. Our critic also judges others. It can convinced us that we’re being judged. This anxiety farther proves that we’re unworthy of love. In fact, we’re so anxious about not being loved that we make false assumptions, filters out positive feedback, and misinterpret things to reinforce our negative self-judgment and fears of rejection. Not surprisingly, research shows that the level of our self-esteem is predictive of the longevity of our relationships.
G U I L T :
Shame also create guilt. Guilt is an anger turned against ourselves. It makes us not feel entitled to success, to happiness and to love. In relationships, guilt blocks intimacy. We avoid closeness and certain topics to hide what we’re afraid of or ashamed to reveal for fear of rejection or abandonment. This is especially true when we’ve been dishonest in the relationship. Until we’ve forgiven ourselves fully, we won’t feel worthy of love. We can move forward and may even attract negative experiences and unsuitable partner. Self-forgiveness is entirely possible and is encouraged by all world religions.
P E R F E C T I O N I S M :
When we feel flawed and not enough, we might cope by trying to be perfect and beyond reproach. Perfectionism is a compulsive attempt to attain unreasonable standards and expectations. This is of course impossible, and leads to anxiety, fear of feelings, irritability and unhappiness.
S E L F – S A C R I F I C E :
When we sacrifice our values or needs to please our partners, it is to maintain the relationship due to the fear of abandonment. We may feel unworthy or selfish when asking for our needs and wants, so we continue to accommodate our partner. THIS ESTABLISHES AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS BY CEDING POWER AND CONTROL TO HIM OR HER. WE END UP BY FEELING TRAPPED, LIKE A VICTIM AND RESENTFUL. NO MATTER HOW WE JUSTIFY IT TO OURSELVES, WHEN OUR BEHAVIOR IS NOT ALIGNED WITH OUR STANDARDS, WE FEEL GUILT OR SHAME THAT WHITTLE AWAY AT OUR SELF-ESTEEM AND SELF-WORTH. BY ABANDONING OURSELVES, WE JEOPARDIZE THE VERY RELATIONSHIP THAT WE ARE TRYING TO SPARE.